From Listing Skills To Leveraging Stories: How To Show, Not Tell, Your Value

Forbes

It’s been along year already. That’s not a comment on the political environment, but on your own schedule at work. You’ve accomplished a ton. You’ve been involved in some projects that were planned, and some that sprang out of nowhere. Some were crises – challenging and interesting – that tested your skills. Others were mundane and tested your patience. In any event, you’ve worked hard, grown as a professional and developed new talents. If you’re in the market for a new role, think of how you have grown in the last twelve months. When you’re interviewing, whether for a different role in the same organization, or at a new employer, you must consider what you bring to the table. But just listing your skills on your resume isn’t enough.

You’ve written at the top of your resume, “Hard-working and innovative professional with a proven track record of success.” That’s interesting, but you’re asserting a generic, self-serving conclusion. It means little or nothing to the prospective employer. During the interview, you’ll be talking about your talents and your skills – all necessary steps in the conversation. But it’s not the conclusion you draw about your abilities that I’ll notice. It’s the simple story you can tell that PROVES to me you have the goods. Let’s talk about telling stories.

Whether you are currently interviewing or simply starting to determine your “personal brand,” you should always be thinking of how you differentiate yourself in the marketplace. Think of it this way, regardless of the industry in which you work, and whether your organization provides products or services, you are the key product you are offering – your integrity, your self-discipline, your innovative ideas. Think in terms of, “What do I claim to offer, and how do I prove that value?” I can’t answer the first question for you. But the second point is simple – you prove your value through the stories of your accomplishments. Stories resonate with us more than facts.

Stories are tricky. Too short and they don’t make the point or are too vague. Too long and they’re boring and pedantic. Some ground rules:

1. Telling stories about your accomplishments is not bragging.

(Unless you are stretching the truth. Don’t stretch the truth; that’s called lying and eventually you will be exposed.) Telling stories will allow you to back up your conclusions about the skills you claim you have. If you can’t tell me where you were successful professionally, why would I hire you? You can tell meaningful stories about your success not from the perspective of “Look at how great I am,” but from the perspective of, “This group or individual was facing a challenge and I was lucky enough to be able to help them overcome that problem.”

2. Stories don’t need to be long and complicated to make a point.

Distill down the facts of your story to the key elements important for this person to hear: not so short that your story becomes an over-eager, “I’ve done that!” but not so long that the person starts to think, “Where is he going with this?” Tailor your story to meet the needs of the interview. What issues has the other person raised as challenges in the role for which you are interviewing? What story can you share that shows you have dealt with that challenge?

3. Stories have a structure.

Every story has a beginning, a middle and an end. All stories begin with grounding the facts in time or space.

There’s a small firm in Peoria….

On the outskirts of Boston….

A month into my current job….

Two weeks ago, Tuesday….

(N.B. If “Two weeks ago Tuesday,” was also “a month into my current job,” find a different story.)

All stories end with a line that lets you know the story is complete. In your case, that line should sound something like, “So it felt great to be able to help solve that problem for the client.” That type of ending highlights your talent, while coming across as modest and grateful rather than arrogant.

The middle of the story will change in length and content based on the audience to whom you are speaking and the needs in the moment. Every story has myriad details we include or don’t based on the setting. Include those details you think drive home your main point, but always err on the side of brevity.

4. Don’t go negative.

No one likes a downer. The story should never be about how someone else failed and you stepped in to save the day. You can highlight a problem that existed, but not the party who created the problem. You should feel comfortable sharing an instance where you failed, but, ideally, it’s a small failure, not a major disaster. And even then, the focus of the story is about how you made things right in the end, not about beating yourself up over a personal failing.

5. Use the story to introduce a question.

“Recently, I was working with a technology group that needed to accomplish X. How are you dealing with those issues?” That simple, one sentence “story” creates context. The substantive, specific question tells the interviewer that you both understand the issues her company is facing, and have dealt with this problem before. Now the conversation is less about whether you possess a particular skill set and more about how you are already putting your skills to work to solve the interviewer’s challenges. You can seem incredibly smart in an interview by asking relevant, insightful questions, even before you get around to talking about your skills.

6. Leverage any element of your story that appeals to the five senses.

People are more likely to remember stories that appeal to our sense of sight, sound, smell, taste or touch. The interviewer isn’t just assessing you in the abstract. She or he is assessing you in comparison to many other candidates. The more memorable your story, the more likely you’ll be remembered.

Last month I was coaching a senior associate at a law firm who was on the cusp of making partner. He is a smart attorney with excellent technical skills, but his quiet demeanor was keeping him from standing out as a strong client relationship person. As we sat at the massive table in the stately conference room at his firm, he shyly commented that he didn’t have any stories to tell, which I flatly refused to believe. (You don’t work long, hard hours for 10-plus years without having lots of stories.) It only took a few questions about his work life to help him realize that every client he had helped, every project he worked on, every pro bono matter he had handled, all provided instances of his success. Each provided ample material for a story about the different talents he brought to bear to help the firm. Once he started seeing those moments in terms of stories, he was able to convey his value with much greater confidence. His voice became stronger and his body language became more animated. He simply became more convincing. You can too.

These are just a few pointers to keep in mind as you hone your own stories about your professional successes while you look to new and different opportunities in the workforce.

Best of luck.

Originally published on Forbes.com.

Posted in Coaching, Communication Skills, Interviewing Skills, Meeting Skills, Networking

How Do You Inspire And Engage Your Team?

Why do people listen to you? Is it out of obligation? Admiration? Fear? A little bit of everything? As a leader your job is to inspire, mentor, encourage, and continuously develop your team. You want to foster an environment of true ownership and accountability, rather than one of obligation. When it comes down to it, your goal is to keep your top performers who add value to you and your company.

Here’s how.

1. Lead by example.

Surely, you’ve heard that leaders “walk the walk” and “talk the talk.” But what does that really mean? Never ask someone on your team to do something that you wouldn’t do yourself.

Your team looks to you to gauge how they should act. As a manager, you set the tone for those around you.

2. Develop trust.

Honor your word. Trust in management is crucial. It takes a long time to build trust, but only one wrong move to destroy it. Creating an environment of trust builds feelings of safety among your employees. And this safety breeds a more innovative, creative working team. When it’s okay for them to make mistakes, your employees will feel comfortable to develop new, inventive ideas and solutions.

3. Know the people you manage.

What are their personal and professional goals and challenges? Understanding this can help you align your team’s talents to your business goals. Knowledge is power. Get to the heart of what motivates each individual on your team and speak to them in a way that resonates. Think beyond the standard motivators like salary, benefits, or job security. Don’t get me wrong, those factors play a huge role in an employee’s happiness. But they’re not everything. They represent a baseline of satisfaction. You want to tap into true motivators – achievement, recognition, job satisfaction, progress, and personal growth.

4. Encourage problem solving.

Know that you don’t have all the answers. You have a team for a reason. Encourage a safe environment where those around you can creatively develop solutions and come up with new ideas. Your job as a manager is to foster an environment for others to shine. Their success is your success!

5. Provide constructive feedback.

Try to avoid feedback that is nitpicky. Micromanaging can demotivate a top performer. Instead, focus on a person’s strengths and big picture areas of improvement. When you’re thinking about areas of improvement, separate those that are crucial to company growth from those that are a stylistic preference.

6. Acknowledge top performers.

This shouldn’t be done just once a year. Offering recognition and praise on a regular basis keeps your top performers motivated. Even something as minor as a brief shout out or accolade at a meeting, or a quick company-wide email acknowledging someone’s hard work, can go a long way.

Want to learn more? Find more information about Exec|Comm’s Motivating and Mentoring programs here.

Posted in Coaching, Communication Skills, Leadership Skills, Uncategorized

The Courage Of Questions

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Many of us think of communication as the delivery of words, information, ideas, opinions.

And this is accurate – a Merriam-Webster definition of communication is “information transmitted or conveyed.” But what about the other important element in a successful exchange of ideas?

Asking questions.

Questioning is courageous. It takes courage to request information, help, or clarification. Show that you’re self-confident and invested in the content of a meeting by saying, “I don’t quite understand. Can you please help me?”

Revealing to a room full of people that you need help is vulnerable and brave. It’s also important for all levels of professionals to adopt this crucial aspect of communication. Why?

Well, we don’t know everything! Learning is a life long journey, and asking people for information or help understanding a concept allows us to grow.

It’s respectful to others. It’s hard to build a strong connection with a self-focused “know it all.” Asking shows that you’re interested in the other person’s perspective. Whether you’re curious about someone’s weekend plans, or their views on the future of self-driving cars, people enjoy being asked for their thoughts, experiences, and opinions.

It puts our humbleness on display and encourages others to do the same. In today’s information-driven business environment, it can feel like there’s an unrelenting pressure to be the expert in the room and possess all the answers. Some of us take that pressure too far, dominating conversations with breathless run on statements that don’t allow others to participate. We over-talk our points to demonstrate our depth of knowledge, and interrupt others when we have something “important to add.” Freeing ourselves of this pressure and asking information from others, allows for a more balanced meeting that feels increasingly like a conversation and less like a presentation. Does anyone really want to attend another presentation?

The next time you’re in a meeting or responding to an email, check your talk impulse at the door. Spend equal time considering, what can I say and what can I ask of others?

Posted in Coaching, Communication Skills, E-Mails, Meeting Skills, Questions

Mindfulness And Trust: The Keys To Successful Leadership

“What keeps you fulfilled in your role?”

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Whether we are navigating a busy sidewalk, or navigating through our career, when we lose perspective, we lose our bearing and risk faltering. Having perspective on our situation requires self-awareness; we need to be conscious of who we are, how we got wherever we are, who is around us and how our actions impact those around us.

Kevin Wijayawickrama of Deloitte Advisory keeps those concepts top-of-mind every day. Kevin wears two hats, as the leader of Deloitte’s Advisory Practice in the Western U.S., and the head of the healthcare group for Deloitte’s Western Region. In those dual roles, Kevin is responsible for inspiring, protecting and developing more than 5,000 professionals. I recently had the chance to speak with Kevin about what keeps him on track, and what advice he has for other business leaders.

Kevin identified three approaches an effective leader can take to build trust with her or his team, because without trust, nothing else much matters. 1. Know yourself. 2. Do your homework. 3. Let go of the stress of the day.

Jay Sullivan: You’ve spoken and written frequently on mindfulness in the workplace. What does that term mean to you?

Kevin Wijayawickrama: I think of “mindfulness” as purposeful human engagement. You have to take time to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. Then you have to reflect on the other person. Our work lives get so busy dealing with tasks and initiatives, we sometimes need to remind ourselves as leaders that the people we are dealing with aren’t just cogs in the wheels of the machinery. They are living, breathing human beings who have goals and dreams and fears and aspirations. We need to be conscious of those attributes of the people we work with so that we treat them with respect. That will help you as a leader build a stronger level of trust.

Sullivan: Nice in concept, but what does that mean in reality?

Wijayawickrama: When I am meeting with someone, I try to make them feel that they are literally the most important person in the world to me at that moment. I don’t wear a watch; I don’t want to be distracted by time. I do my best to give 100% of my attention to whoever is in front of me. I can’t say I always succeed, but the effort is there, and I think the effort is appreciated.

Sullivan: But your team spreads across 10 states. How can you be present to everyone?

Kevin W, Deloitte Advisory

Wijayawickrama: You can’t, and you don’t need to. As a leader, you need to influence and impact those closest to you, and trust that the example you set is being carried through the ranks. That’s why it’s so important to build the right level of trust. Trust works two ways. You create a level of trust by consistent behavior, borne out over time. As your team feels that trust, you can trust them to act in accordance with the behaviors you’ve modeled.

Sullivan: How does this come into play at Deloitte?

Wijayawickrama: We recently instituted a “Next Gen Leadership Initiative,” which involves the top 10% of the partners at the firm. In addition to a formal, structured training program on leadership, we assign each person a coach and a psychologist. These two professionals help these top leaders identify their strengths, their challenges and their potential. Again, it all goes to increased self-awareness leading to increased effectiveness.

Sullivan: You also talk about doing your homework. What does that look like as a leader at Deloitte?

Wijayawickrama: Get to know your people. When you’re trying to build trust, you have to let people know you care about them. Get their kids’ names right. Understand their family situation. Know where they came from before they started to work for you, and ask them very directly where they want to go career-wise. Unless you’re a fantastic actor, you can’t appear to be genuinely interested in your team unless you actually are genuinely interested in your team. You need to be aware of what’s important to them. The easiest way to do that is to simply ask them. You can’t assume anything; you need to ask open-ended questions that force them to give you concrete information instead of a perfunctory answer.

For instance, the younger elements of the workforce are interested in fulfillment. When I entered the workforce, I would never have had the nerve to think I was owed that. I just wanted a job. Now, people want to know their work matters to them and to others. How it matters to each person is what you as a leader need to learn.

Sullivan: Where did you learn these lessons?

Wijayawickrama: When I came to this country from Sri Lanka as a young man, I had nothing. But I had the tremendous good fortune to be mentored by more senior business leaders. They, not only introduced me to a solid path for growth, but showed me how to walk that path and how to guide others to do the same. Much of what I do as a leader I do to say “thank you” to those who nurtured me.

Sullivan: You also talk about “letting go of the stress of the day.” How do you accomplish that?

Wijayawickrama: That’s where perspective and self-awareness come into play again. None of us alone are going to cure cancer, address global warming, or solve the big political issues of the day. But each of us can deal with the small issues in front of us by staying focused on the only important issue to us – the person with whom we’re meeting at any given moment. If I know that my role is to simply deal with the challenge in front of me – to not get distracted – I let go of the distractions. I focus on being present to those in my day. That’s what makes for transformative meetings.

The nature of work life is evolving. The chat around the water-cooler is a thing of the past as more teams function remotely. Instead of interacting with people sporadically throughout the day, we’re all more likely to limit our interactions with our teams to scheduled appointments, often on the phone. That means that those conversations need to be less tactical and more strategic. If I want to get to know someone I rarely see face to face, I have to work harder to build trust, to make those conversations purposeful. We have to talk less about “what’s on your plate today?” and more about “what keeps you fulfilled in your role?” It’s a tall order, but the payoff is tremendous. If I’m talking to you about your long-term goals, the little stuff of the moment doesn’t get in the way.

Sullivan: Very helpful advice, and thanks for your time. If you’ll excuse me now, I need to go revise my agenda for my next meeting.

Originally published on Forbes.com.

Posted in Coaching, Communication Skills, Executive Presence, Leadership Skills, Uncategorized

2 Ways Kevin Anderson’s Wimbledon Attitude Can Help You Build Confidence

LONDON, ENGLAND – JULY 11: Kevin Anderson of South Africa shakes hands after beating Roger Federer of Switzerland in the gentlemen’s quarter finals at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club on July 11, 2018 in London, England. (Photo by TPN/Getty Images)

Kevin Anderson, the No. 8 seed, after beating Roger Federer, the No. 1 seed, in the 2018 quarterfinals at Wimbledon Tennis Championship, July 2018:

“I think the toughest thing players face when going out playing somebody like Roger in this setting is giving yourself a chance. I feel like the times that I’ve played him before, or other guys … with his ranking and history, I haven’t really allowed myself to play.”

Roger Federer after losing to Kevin Anderson:

“As the match went on, I couldn’t surprise him anymore. That’s a bad feeling to have.”

Kevin Anderson is a 30-something successful professional tennis player and even he gets intimidated by a tennis match – of which he has played thousands. Allowing yourself to be the best you can be in any situation is a life-long challenge. Whether playing tennis, giving a presentation, or leading a client meeting – having the skills to succeed is one thing, but having the confidence to excel gets us to the next level. Two pro tips to build confidence:

Focus on your audience.

You might be nervous in a pressure situation, but think about your audience. It’s not all about you and your performance. Your audience’s critical takeaway is how your viewpoint impacted them, and whether they got what they needed. Shift your content to what the audience values, and your nerves will die down.

Don’t think so much.

Practice, prepare, and polish your presentation so that when you are in the act, you are not thinking, you are communicating. This doesn’t mean memorizing. This means knowing what the key points are and adding value to your slides by giving specific examples. Keep it simple – the audience will only remember about a quarter of what you say anyway!

Posted in Coaching, Communication Skills, Leadership Skills, Uncategorized

4 Keys To Creating Commitment At Work

“Leadership requires acknowledging the sacredness of every individual, not from a place of fear, but from a place of love.”

Emergency room doctor Philip Schwarzman, left, examines patient John O’Brien at Providence St. Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, Calif. (Photo by Katie Falkenberg/Los Angeles Times via Getty Images)

An engaged workforce produces better results. Whether you manage a team of finance professionals, a department of insurance underwriters, or a practice group of lawyers, you’re always looking for ways to keep your people engaged. As the Executive Vice President and Chief Administrative Officer of Providence St. Joseph Health, Debra Canales stays acutely aware of the level of engagement for 120,000 employees across a $26 billion enterprise. She recently shared how she promotes employee engagement across a health care system providing life-saving care to literally millions of patients across seven states.

Jay Sullivan: Why is engagement so important?

Debra Canales: When people are engaged, they transcend the immediate and focus on the core values. At Providence those core values include respect, integrity and, most importantly, compassion.

Sullivan: How do you get people to focus on those values?

Canales: You talk about them all the time, and you adopt language about each person’s role that emphasizes those value. For instance, all of our employees are “caregivers.” In a very personal way, we tend to the patients we serve. When you think of yourself in terms of the care you provide someone else – whether you are a nurse bathing a patient in pain, or the checkout clerk in the cafeteria making sure someone’s hurried lunch is as pleasant as possible – it changes your attitude toward your role and toward those with whom you interact.

Sullivan: You can’t achieve that level of commitment just by a name change.

Canales: No, you can’t. You have to start the conversation early and reinforce it along the way. Providence has a unique history, founded by two religious orders. The Sisters of Providence and the Sisters of St. Joseph were small and resourceful groups of women dedicated to tending to the sick. Employees hear about our history from the moment they are hired, through the on-boarding process, and throughout their work lives.

Every employee knows the story of our humble beginnings, the challenges the sisters faced, and the creativity they employed to overcome obstacles. Every organization struggles along the way with growing pains and external pressures that require new ideas and approaches to continue to live their mission. The sisters had to adapt and evolve in order serve their communities.

Sullivan: So for the sisters, you could say, “Necessity is the Mother Superior of Invention.”

Canales: You could say that.

Debra Canales

Sullivan: How do you keep that message and spirit alive?

Canales: You prove to your people that you’re dedicated to taking care of them. Last year we modernized our EAP program to include training around compassion. For six months, we closed every clinic for ninety minutes every other week, a total of 18 hours of discussion around compassion, mindfulness and team-building. Honestly, I don’t think it felt like “training” for our teams; it felt like care-giving to our own people. We discussed how to weave our mission of compassion throughout everything we do. Seeing the suffering of the sick, and working hard to ameliorate it, can cause fatigue. Talking about our role in alleviating that suffering helps our own staff heal, and helps prevent burnout.

The discussions and exercises helped our people bring their best selves to work. They feel called to something bigger and more meaningful than themselves.

Sullivan: It sounds like the language you use in these settings sets the tone.

Canales: That’s right. Throughout our facilities, and throughout the way we help develop our people, you’ll see the phrase, “Know me. Care for me. Ease my way.” It’s simple language focused on how we impact and treat all of those around us, and it’s written from the perspective of the individual in front of us at any one moment.

Sullivan: What’s your role in this as the leader of leaders?

Canales: Formal leadership formation here takes three years. We ground our leaders in a sense of purpose and vocation, and they live in their values. People are always watching their leaders to see how they are living the values of the organization. We call it “the Shadow of Leadership.”

We also take risks on our people. We celebrate and learn from our mistakes. You encourage greater creativity if you acknowledge mistakes publicly.

Leadership is a full-body experience, not just from the neck up. It involves the mind, the body and the soul. All of our senior leaders are all-in on our commitment to creating an environment where we help people recognize their full potential that they otherwise wouldn’t see. That also results in building a more diverse workforce. Men and women are represented equally in our senior leadership ranks.

Sullivan: You seem to view leadership as a mission in and of itself.

Canales: Our commitment to something bigger than ourselves is a huge factor in the attraction to working here. We recently recruited a top finance professional from the tech industry who was attracted to the added dimension of our mission. You feel the mission at Providence. I believe that leadership requires acknowledging the sacredness of every individual, not from a place of fear, but from a place of love.

Sullivan: Powerful stuff. In sum, for leaders to create an engaged workforce, you have to constantly emphasize your mission, give people the space and avenues to explore their own growth in that mission, put serious attention toward developing your leaders in that vein and then use language that brings all of that together. Those are lessons for all business leaders. Thanks for your time.

Originally published on Forbes.com.

Posted in Coaching, Communication Skills, Executive Presence, Leadership Skills

Melania’s Unspoken Message

US First Lady Melania Trump departs Andrews Air Rorce Base in Maryland June 21, 2018 wearing a jacket emblazoned with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” on her way to a surprise visit with child migrants on the US-Mexico border. (Photo by MANDEL NGAN/AFP/Getty Images)

You’ve probably heard about Melania Trump’s recent controversial outfit choice. She wore a green trench coat with the message, “I really don’t care, do u?” while boarding the plane to visit the detention centers that are holding immigrant children in Texas. Without spoken words, Melania’s clothing sent a message to the world – whether she intended to or not. This reinforced the idea that what you wear will influence people’s impression of you.

People will judge you in the first few seconds of meeting you, solely based on the way that you look. And, even if they already have a solid impression of you, your wardrobe choices can easily change that perspective. Showing up to an important event without putting effort into your appearance will send the message that you don’t care. Overdressing for a casual meeting could send the message that you’re stuffy or less relatable.

There is no right or wrong way to dress. However, you should make intentional clothing choices.

Imagine you’re in an elevator. A woman walks in wearing a pinstripe, mid-length, navy blue pencil skirt with a matching tailored blazer and a silk cream blouse. Her hair is pulled back into a low, sleek bun and her makeup is neutral and simple. What is she communicating to the world? Based on her image, we can assume that she is professional, mature, assertive, and powerful. Your style is an outward representation of who you are, how you view yourself, and what you want from the world.

Not only does the way you dress influence the way others perceive you, but it will also impact how you feel. Northwestern conducted a study to determine how what we wear impacts the way that we feel. In the experiments, they had one group of students wear a white lab coat to perform non-medical tasks, then they had another group of students perform the same tasks without the lab coat. Surprisingly, the students who wore the lab coat made half as many errors as the students who wore regular clothes. They called it “enclothed cognition.”

Be mindful of the message you’re sending with your wardrobe, so you don’t detract from the true value you add. As always, we’re here if you need help.

Posted in Coaching, Communication Skills, Leadership Skills, Learning Exchange, Life Skills, Uncategorized, Women in Business

3 Ways To Start Your Career On The Right Foot

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This week, thousands of new teachers are being trained as part of their initiation into Teach for America. Thousands more are still recovering from graduation festivities with an eye on their first job looming in the coming weeks. Whether you are entering the classroom for the first time as a teacher, starting your internship in Washington, or beginning your long slog toward partner at a major consulting firm, here are a few thoughts to help you get started.

1. Know Your Role

You’ve been hired to fill a role. Understand the parameters and the expectations. My first job out of college was as a high school English teacher in Kingston, Jamaica. My job was to give my students clear boundaries for behavior, create a sense of stability and safety in the classroom, and, primarily, to educate them. But I had zero teacher training. As I stood in front of a class of 40 boys the same age as my younger brother, I thought my job was, in part, to be their friend. They thought their job was to eat me alive. Guess who won? By not understanding my role better, I made my first year as a teacher a daily battle with the class. But I learned my lesson. My second year teaching, I became the Dean of Discipline for the Junior class. We all would have been better off if I had understood and owned my role better from day one.

Whatever role you are walking into, you’ll be more successful and feel more confident every day if you have a clear understanding of what your manager, your constituents, and your team expect of your performance. If those roles aren’t made clear, feel free to ask. You’ll appear more strategic and more focused on doing a good job for someone if you look and sound like you want to be held accountable for your performance.

Part of knowing that role is getting comfortable with it. If you’ve always been “Sydney,” and now, as a teacher, you need to be “Ms. Segal,” it can be a bit daunting and you can feel somewhat like a fraud. You’re not alone in feeling that way, and you’re not a fraud. You’ve been given a job because someone has decided you have the goods to deliver on that role. Everyone knows you’re still in a learning phase, but they have confidence in your ability. That’s true in all roles. The first time you turn in a report to your boss and you realize she isn’t planning to check the numbers before she presents your analysis to the committee, you’ll realize you’re being treated like the professional you are, and you’ll panic. Relax. If you did your job with the appropriate amount of care and discipline, it’ll show. If you haven’t, the fault is shared with your manager for not checking your numbers.

2. Demonstrate Reliability

Early on in the job, people know you are learning the role. Most employers know they must invest in helping you acclimate to the organization and help you understand the technical aspects of the job– the “what” of the role. However, most employers don’t expect to have to teach you how to behave in the role, and how to have the right level of self-discipline. While they know you aren’t yet a fully-formed teacher, bookkeeper, auditor, or sales person, they do expect you are a fully-formed adult.

Showing up on time for meetings, meeting deadlines, dealing with coworkers with respect, not gossiping, and dressing appropriately for your role or organization, are all just as important as the technical aspects of your role. Your manager knows his job is to fix your lack of knowledge and experience. He also knows he can’t fix lazy. You’re in a great position professionally, in that you don’t have a professional reputation yet. Make sure you start out by building a reputation as someone reliable and professional.

3. Stay Alert About Others

Pick up on cues from those around you. Work is a social environment as much as a professional environment. Any work environment is organic, constantly changing based on the individuals involved. Many of the subtleties of the work environment aren’t written on the “mission statement” placard in the lobby or the poster in the conference room with the company’s “Top 72 Key Values.”

We learn how to behave and how to help others based on paying attention to the unspoken cues they send. Just because one manager is comfortable with your regular interruptions to get answers to questions, doesn’t mean the next person will like that kind of interaction. Pay attention to how people interact with you. They’re sending you cues as to how they are comfortable with you interacting with them. That doesn’t mean that if your boss’s boss likes to drop by unannounced with questions, he welcomes the same from you. Understanding that difference goes back to Point 1 about knowing your role in the organization. Nevertheless, you should feel comfortable asking your managers, “What would be most helpful to you in terms of how I communicate with you?” Again, asking more questions only makes you seem more strategic.

The same is true of paying attention to clients of the organization, be they customers calling in to your help desk, or students in your middle school bio class. Pay attention to what the individual seems to need. It’ll help you address their concerns better, and make for a smoother, more successful work day.

All of this is a lot to consider when you thought all you had to do was crank out your billable hours or help students understand the history of the Roman Empire. There’s a lot on your plate. That’s why they call it “work.” That said, work will be a huge part of your life. Follow these tips to make it a positive, enjoyable part.

Originally published on Forbes.com.

Posted in Coaching, Communication Skills, Life Skills

3 Ways To Get What You Want

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Some days, every conversation feels like a negotiation. Some people thrive on that type of exchange. For others, it’s exhausting. Regardless of whether you enjoy negotiating, you have to participate in the discussion if you want to get something done. I thought it might be helpful to share a few pointers that will help you in the next conversation, whether you’re buying a car, asking for a raise, or trying to denuclearize the Korean peninsula. When you’re negotiating, you should keep in mind three key ideas. First, know what you want; second, ask questions to understand the other person’s needs; and third, use conditional statements.

1. Know What You Want

This may sound obvious, but you’d be surprised by how many people enter a negotiation with only a vague idea of what they’re seeking. You have to strategize beforehand. What price points are important to you? What secondary elements are you trying to achieve through the discussion? Put limits in place: an opening offer, an anticipated outcome, your walkaway position. Without putting these parameters in place, the conversation is likely to become far too freewheeling. And you’re unlikely to get the outcomes that meet your needs.

This strategizing is especially important if your personal tendency is to “shoot from the hip.” Being flexible and creative are important in business and thinking on your feet is a valuable talent when participating in a brainstorming meeting or responding to a tough question during a presentation. However, in a negotiation, there will be a defined outcome at the end of the discussion that you and your organization will need to live with, possibly for a long time. This isn’t the time to “wing it.” Your ability to respond to unexpected information or surprise approaches from the other negotiator is enhanced if you’ve clarified your strategy.

2. Ask Questions

When you’re negotiating, you’re trying to get what you need from someone else. The only way to get what you want from someone else is to give them what they need. The only way to understand what they need is to ask them, and then truly, deeply listen. If you assume what the other negotiator needs, and you miss the mark, the conversation will become frustrating and futile. Asking the right questions and digging deeper to understand the other negotiator’s needs are crucial tools to help you become a more effective negotiator.

This requires thinking of the other party in the discussion as simply the “other negotiator.” Most of the time, the other negotiator isn’t “the enemy,” they’re just another party that needs to get something constructive out of the exchange. Figuring out what the other person needs rather than assuming what they want may allow you to accomplish your goal at a lower cost to you.

3. Use Conditional Language

If I say, “I’ll come up 5%,” or, “I’ll add ‘X’ to the mix,” I’ve given up something without getting anything in return. Instead, say, “If I were to come up 5%, what would you be able to add to your offer?” or, “If we add ‘X’ to the mix, how could that impact your position?” Using conditional language allows you to float an offer, rather than commit to a position. Ultimately, you only give something if you get something in return.

Negotiations are often subtle dances around delicate issues. Egos and emotions are frequently in play. For many people, feeling like they are getting a good deal is as important as actually getting a good deal. If I say to you, “I’ll throw in ‘X’ for no additional cost,” how does that make you feel about the value of X? You may not feel like you’ve gained anything because it clearly didn’t have any value to me. If you “throw in” anything, you risk throwing away its value.

Try these 3 tips in your next negotiation and see how you fare.

Originally published on Forbes.com.

Posted in Coaching, Communication Skills, Executive Presence, Leadership Skills

The Wisdom Of The Aged – Conveyed Clearly And Succinctly

DeWitt and Louise Calamari (and Dukie)

We all have someone whose words of wisdom stand out for us, and whose ideas we leverage at work and in our personal life. For me, it was my maternal grandfather, DeWitt Calamari, who passed away many years ago after 93 years of gathering life experiences. Grandpa was a man of very few words. He had a grumpy demeanor, and three dents in his bald skull from where he had endured brain surgery in the 1950’s. I was usually petrified when in his presence. It probably worked well for both of us that he only said three things to me my entire life. In retrospect, each provides a great life lesson conveyed in clear language.

1. “Whiney, whiney, whiney! You’re such a whiney kid!”

He was right; I was a very whiney kid. I complained about everything. (I’m only a moderately whiney adult.) Grandpa was the youngest of eight children, and the only one of his siblings to live past the age of 12. He never met his father, who became ill before Grandpa was born and went back to Italy for treatment, but never returned. Grandpa’s mother became a dietitian at a New York City hospital to support the family. Once it was just her and Grandpa, she took a job as a housekeeper to a cruel and abusive farmer in upstate New York. In the early years of the 20th Century, life was tough for many people, and the typical approach was to deal with your problems quietly and privately. You didn’t whine, in part, because of a sense of self-reliance, and in part because no one wanted to hear it; they were dealing with their own problems.

Grandpa had no patience for whiners. You could ask him a thousand questions about his garden, his photography, and the various contraptions he built around his house in the Bronx. He was always eager to explain things to you if you showed interest. He was always open to suggestions. But he didn’t want to hear complaints. I’ve learned over the years that neither does anyone else.

2. “What do you mean you won’t eat it? That’s the best part!”

Whether it was the burnt part of the toast, the crusty part of the pasta, or, God forbid, the moldy part of the cheese, Grandpa elevated the dregs to the icing on the cake. A life of modest means had taught him how to be grateful. Gratitude isn’t about accepting less-than with reluctance or resignation. True gratitude is about finding joy in what’s in front of you. I’m not talking about injustice, against which we should all rebel at work and in life. I’m talking about the little disappointments that happen each day, the small inconveniences that occur and have the potential to mount as the day progresses and throw us off our game. If instead of allowing those moments to irritate us, we found a way to shrug them off or appreciate them for what they are, we’d make each day that much easier for ourselves and for those around us.

Grandpa had a tough and lonely start to life. But he and my grandmother managed through The Great Depression, putting food on the table and providing a healthy start to life for their growing family. When he was diagnosed with cancer in his early fifties, he underwent experimental surgery to remove a brain tumor. He had to quit his job with the City of New York, but managed to live another forty years, puttering around the house working on various projects. He treated every day as a gift. He reveled in the smallest signs of beauty, like new shoots on the dogwood tree in his yard, or the slightest of accomplishments, like teaching his Toy Fox Terrier, Dukie, a new trick. Simple gratitude for the small things in life, and turning the little disappointments into opportunities, might go a long way to take the edge off the day. I can’t advocate that you should eat the moldy part of the cheese, because I know I won’t. But, the next time your coffee order gets screwed up, instead of thinking of it as a failure, think of it as an adventure. I’ve never tried my Tall Flat White with caramel before. Let’s give it a whirl.

3. “Smile!”

Grandpa had a gruff demeanor, but I have no doubt he genuinely wanted his six children and twenty-two grandchildren to be happy. He didn’t always know how to achieve that, so sometimes he just demanded it. From his early twenties he was an avid photographer. He took thousands of posed and spontaneous pictures of all of us. As I say, I was afraid of him, so when he said, “Smile,” I smiled. Smiling, like being grateful, can sometimes accomplish what complaining cannot. Smiling projects positivity into the world, and usually elicits a smile in return. It softens each interaction. When I coach professionals on their communication skills, I sometimes need to help them understand when and how to soften their tone. Part of that process often involves getting them to smile more. Who knew Grandpa was on to something?

I didn’t know it at the time, but the man who intimidated me the most as a child, taught me to avoid complaining, appreciate whatever good you can find in a moment, and present a positive face to the world. Who in your life gave you words of wisdom? 

Originally published on Forbes.com.

Posted in Life Skills, Uncategorized