Last week I had the honor of participating in a panel discussion about how we can all promote more civil discourse. The discussion was hosted by my alma mater, Fordham University School of Law, as part of orientation for new law students. The event happened to fall on the final evening of the Democratic National Convention. The topic was chosen by the law school’s new Dean, Joseph Landau, who believes we all – not just lawyers – need to consciously battle the trend toward vitriol and shouting in the political arena. That tendency to see every conversation as a battle leads us to have more difficult exchanges, not just on politics, but in our everyday conversations. Therefore, the change in approach doesn’t start at the top; it starts with each of us in our daily exchanges.
Here are two very concrete suggestions for how we can learn to have a more productive debate on important issues and in casual discussions.
- Ask Two Questions.
We all know we need to listen better, so why don’t we? Saying to yourself, “I need to be a better listener,” is like saying, “I need to eat healthier.” It’s a statement at the 10,000-foot level that doesn’t help much. Instead, we need to say, “I’m going to eat an apple a day instead of the whole sleeve of Thin Mints.” To be a better listener, tell yourself, “Every time someone shares their opinion on an important topic, I’m going to ask two questions before offering my opinion.” I can’t tell you what questions to ask. Those will depend on you, your relationship with the other person, and the topic at hand. Sample questions, however, might be:
“What brings you to that conclusion?”
“How did you come to think that?”
“Why do you think that’s important?”
“What are you basing that on?”
The second question will be based on the other person’s response to the first. The important part is less about what question to ask but to diligently ask the questions. By training yourself to ask two questions before offering your own opinion, your response will be more thoughtful. Because you will have more information about the other person’s perspective, you’ll be able to tailor your response more closely and have a more meaningful dialogue.
Questions that are NOT helpful and tend to increase the amount of tension and mistrust are:
“Don’t you think that….”
“Aren’t you forgetting….”
“Shouldn’t you be considering….”
These questions aren’t designed to help the questioner actually learn anything new. They are designed to trap the other person into having to agree with the person asking the questions, even if when they don’t.
And, of course, tone is important. Keeping your tone fairly flat will keep your question from sounding like a challenge or the set up for a counterargument. Speak with a neutral tone and a slow pace to emphasize that you just want to understand the other person’s position better.
Your first question immediately conveys to the other person that you are interested in learning, not arguing. Your second question gives you added information and perspective so that you can tailor your response more effectively. You don’t have to stop at two questions. But commit to asking at least two so that you learn more and remain more open.
- Repeat in your head the line, “I think, therefore I am wrong.”
French philosopher Rene Descartes famously said, “I think therefore I am,” his rationale for how we acknowledge our own existence. American novelist and scholar George Saunders in his book, A Swim in a Pond in the Rain, paraphrases that line to remind us how our certitude can get us in trouble. He reflects on how we all interact. Since we all form our opinions with incomplete information and through our own life-lens, we often form incorrect positions. We then share that flawed conclusion with someone else, who absorbs it through their own compromised filter and the responds accordingly, and so on. As a result, the quality of our discussion can sometimes spiral ever lower.
To combat this very natural and human pattern of communication, consider entering any conversation with greater empathy. Again, it’s not helpful to say, “I’m going to be more open minded.” That is another 10,000-foot statement that doesn’t move us forward. Saying to yourself, “I think, therefore I am wrong,” immediately reminds each of us to slow our judgement, challenge our assumptions, remain more open to the opinions of others. That should cause us to operate with more empathy. We remember that our perspective is likely different from that of the person with whom we are speaking. That prompts us to ask more questions to understand the other person’s statements.
In summary, ask more questions and remind yourself that you don’t always reach the correct conclusion. These two steps will, of necessity, cause us to be more patient with other people. We will therefore be less inclined to judge and condemn someone else or belittle their opinions. That will help make our discourse more civil, and our conversations more productive. Our national discourse is nothing more than the sum total of all of our individual conversations. We can each do our part to impact the broader conversation by changing our little share of it.
Originally published on Forbes.com.