The Biggest Communication Mistake Is a Self-Centered One Many People Make

To be human means to be self-focused, each of us all wrapped up in ourselves. That’s not selfish or Machiavellian; it’s just human nature. It’s also the cause of most of our miscommunication. We communicate from our own perspective rather than thinking about what the other person is trying to get out of the conversation. To increase your effectiveness when communicating, focus less on yourself and more on your audience. That’s easy to say, but what does it mean in actual practice?

When we communicate at work, we can talk about one of only three things. We can talk about ourselves, our content, or our audience.

Ourselves:

Nothing personal, but nobody came to your talk to hear about you. They came to find something of value for themselves. Talking about yourself is usually a dead-end and of little interest to the audience. I speak in front of large audiences all the time. I guarantee you no one came to any of my talks to hear about me; they came to learn how to improve their own effectiveness by learning how to communicate better.

Our Content:

Your audiences also don’t usually care about your content, which I know sounds weird, but it’s true. We all love our content and spend lots of time working on it and honing it. Unfortunately, no one cares about the content, especially not to the level you do.

The Audience:

Rather than caring about the content, the audience cares about how the content impacts them, which is different from the content itself. Therefore, the goal is to talk to the audience about the audience. What does this look like?

At the next meeting you attend, listen to how almost everyone will start their contribution to the discussion with the words,

“What I want to share with you today is….”

“What I want to go over with you is….”

“What I want to tell you is….”

They will start with the words, “What I want,” as if anyone cares what the speaker wants. Again, nothing personal, but no one cares what you want. Instead, start with the line, “What I thought would be helpful to you is….” When you start with that language, two things happen. First, you have told your audience that you have spent all of your time focused on them and their needs. Second, and more importantly, if you have the line, “helpful to them” running through your head as you put your material together and frame your message and stories, you’ll choose different words, a better tone, and details based on what you actually think will be more helpful to them, rather than on what you want to tell them. Swapping out “what I want” for “what I thought would be helpful to you,” isn’t just a semantic difference; it’s a substantive difference in the way we position ourselves as a better ally or support for others.

If you walk into your manager’s office and say, “Debbie, I want to give you an update on the Acme deal,” all you’re doing is interrupting your very busy manager. She’s now thinking, “OK. Let me drop everything I’m doing because you want to give me an update.” Instead, think about why this update might be helpful to her at this moment. Then you’ll walk in her office and say, “Debbie, I think you have a meeting later today about Acme. I thought it might be helpful if I gave you a quick update on that project.” Now Debbie is thinking, “Great. I haven’t had time to think about it. Come on in.” You’ve positioned yourself as a more valuable aide to her and helped her meet her own commitments.

Being less focused on yourself and more focused on others does not mean ignoring your needs. Your needs are important and must be met. You’re just more likely to have your needs met if you communicate having thought about how your messages will resonate with your audience.

Using the “helpful to you” language is not only impactful in business meetings. It helps with any social media presence you are honing. I frequently see posts by influencers that start with, “I want you to see X,” or “I want to tell you about Y.” While that person may have good intentions, they are framing the discussion in terms of their own wants and desires. Instead, talk to your audience or followers from their perspective. Tell me you’ve considered what I might find valuable. If you start your post with, “Read my latest piece about AI,” you’re communicating that you think your followers are required to obey your instructions. Instead, start with what might matter to them. “If you’re trying to accomplish X, you’ll find these pointers helpful.”

Because we are all self-focused, framing your content as a benefit to others improves your chances they will read or listen to your ideas, which results in you having more impact. Everyone wins.

Originally published on Inc.com